We all have to perform at work – that’s why we get paid. And a bit of pressure is normal; drives us to be better, forces us to step up. But is the pressure you feel coming from your boss or your own mind? Believe me I get it: we want to do a great job, impress the boss, our colleagues, cement our reputation, get promoted, be acknowledged. But in doing so, are we actually setting up unrealistic expectations for ourselves and unnecessarily stressing ourselves out in the process? Hence, we find ourselves depleted at the end of every day, desperate for that giant glass of red the minute we get home and frankly, feeling down.
You’re probably a perfectionist.
Perfectionism is a relative term. There are different degrees and for some people, it doesn’t apply to all areas of their life and can even lead to good outcomes but in others, it can be all consuming and can get pretty dark. Perfectionism is a personality trait where you have an obsessive desire to achieve perfect outcomes including the need to be or appear to be perfect or believing that perfection is in fact achievable. Despite the variances, the consistent tenet is the belief that your self-worth is based on achievements. It’s a flawed theory (more on that later) but none-the-less one that is ingrained in some of us and often exposed at work where competition, performance targets and ambition are openly on display and celebrated.
“I can’t get on top of it; I’m constantly failing and the pressure is unrelenting”
It’s a reoccurring comment I get from mentees along with the following question around how to best manage it. The first step I recommend is to dig deep into the situation and work out – honestly – where the pressure is really coming from.
As a recovering perfectionist myself, I’ve lived through the crap perfectionism brings. The constant late nights trying to make my presentations beyond brilliant; procrastinating over pointless activities whilst avoiding the scary big project that my subconscious is terrified will exposure me as a fraud or worse still beat me; focusing solely on the outcome and ignoring how I got there and the classic: taking 10 times as long as anyone else to get something done, and always at my own expense. The outcome is sheer exhaustion and an overwhelming sense of failure.
So, what to do? The sooner you recognise it, the sooner you can put strategies in place to overcome it and not let it debilitate your entire career.
1. Get rational
Understand the facts and do the work to recognise where perfectionist traits are playing out in your behaviours and choices, as well as to what extent. ‘The work’ means get to the root of your work pressure: perhaps start with the Five Whys technique starting with, why do you feel this way? Your boss may indeed be pressuring you to succeed or deliver but be realistic – you can only do your best. Define what that looks like – realistically.
Consider what are the practical outcomes of not delivering? Is failing actually on the cards and if so, what support do you need to avoid that? Ask for it. And if you do fail, what’s the worst that can happen? Be clear on the expectations that your boss has of this project – is success for you meeting their expectations or yours? Again, define what success looks like and the effort it requires. Maybe the goal is simply ‘get it done’. Recognise what’s important and needs your time and what doesn’t. Appreciate the opportunity cost that success requires – that extra 4 hours of effort may return little benefit. Set parameters for yourself before you start to avoid that endless journey of drifting to an undefined end.
2. Get your head right
It’s also important to consider the standards you set for yourself. As a perfectionist, we are terrified of lowering them for fear of the impact that may bring to our reputation or performance. The reality is that those standards are in your own head – they are often impossibly high and will never be reached. Never. When you’re embarking on a project, consider asking for feedback before you go back to the draft for the second time, instead of waiting ‘til the 10th time. Feedback early on will give you focus on the things that matter and stop you procrastinating about the things that don’t. Get real perspective about what you are producing: will it save the world? Will it change the course of history? Is it contributing to something useful?
3. Manage over-thinking
Perfectionists will often worry endlessly about a problem or thought without ever solving it. If you’re like me, you’ll insist it’s ‘problem-solving’ but in fact, it’s fear. You’ll dwell on the bad stuff, catastrophize and dramatize an issue all in your own mind. You’ll do this because you’re scared of the impact the issue may have on you; how you may be perceived, outcomes available, limitations to your success. You have to learn to stop. Beware of the stories we tell ourselves – they’re usually negative and always fiction. Flip it and think positive and find a diversion to occupy your mind. TV, exercise or a routine task. Over-thinking wastes your time, drains your precious energy and leaves you feeling depleted and ineffective. Recognise it and treat it immediately.
4. Be kind to yourself
By our very nature, perfectionists want to be more. That’s OK if it helps us be a better person. However, perfectionists also want order, certainty, we want things to go flawlessly. We also know intellectually that life is messy and nothing does quite go to plan. But deep inside, whilst we may say those things publicly, or maybe even to ourselves, we secretly think that we can magically make perfection exist – just for us. You have to learn to stop. It is nonsense. The pressure will never stop, the list will never end, success will never be in sight if you continue to think that perfection is possible.
You are enough.
When that dance begins and you find your inner-self whispering to the self-you-show-the-world “we can do better”, tell her to stop. Think about the impact you are already making; recall the successes you have already had. Do you really need to be better? Is the pressure, stress, time, effort and energy, the sacrifice you make to your body and mind worth it? And will it matter next week? In 12 months’ time? In 10 years’, time?
Hence the perfection paradox; in striving for perfection we are so overcome by the fear of failure to deliver the best that we are ultimately consumed with procrastination, anxiety and therefore become ineffective. It is not about work outcomes at all but rather our fear of our own limitations and abilities. We have to learn to let it go.
Final paragraph
Navigating work today is tough enough. Everyone has a deliverable including your boss and the pressure from business to succeed is real. The last thing you need is the additional pressure that you manifest in your own subconscious, compounding it. Don’t do it. Perfectionism is nasty – it’s a drainer and it sucks. Recognise it, deal with it and know you are already better than you think you are.
therealceo