“It was all happening just because I was breathing” Meghan Markle, 8 March 2021

This resonated with me. Helplessness. Injustice.

That feeling that whilst you are trying to simply do your best job, quietly doing your thing, not deliberately bothering anyone and yet – someone wants to take you down. Is it jealousy? Insecurity? Power? Like internet trolls that thrive on being mean, there will always be those people you come across at work that don’t like you. It’s likely you represent something that irks them or simple jealousy, or as is sometimes the case, no discernible reason at all.

In my last job two of my peers didn’t like me. Both senior women, both powerful in their own right and no matter what I did, they hated me. It was expressed initially through childish eye rolling in meetings, disagreeing with almost everything I said, ‘accidently’ excluding me from important conversations, then progressed to gossiping, spreading rumours, lying. You know when someone doesn’t like you and these two loathed the sight of me. It was never going to change. Although I tried to ignore it, show indifference, tried to talk to them and seek council from mates, it got uglier and more serious very quickly. In fact, it escalated to the point where they lobbied my boss to end my contract. My boss, being weak and easily manipulated, complied.

So much for the sisterhood. I was devastated.

Not only did I not see it coming but I felt so helpless. I didn’t do anything wrong; I did my job, was popular (with everyone except them), was incredibly successful and yet their vitriol toward me rendered all my efforts useless. And it was all happening just because I was breathing.

I know this happens every day. From school yards to the halls of parliament and everywhere in between. It’s the stuff that the best books, plays, movies and news stories are made of – heroes and villains, perpetrators and victims, winners and losers. People can be nasty. And in real life, the pain is deep and enduring. So how should you deal with someone at work that doesn’t like you? And if they succeed in breaking you, how do you recover?

My advice? Call it out. Loudly.

My mistake

I didn’t take it seriously. I underestimated the closeness of the relationship they had with my boss, and I gave my boss more credit than he deserved in being a decent person. I ignored it because I thought my good work, behaviours, actions and reputation would speak volumes for my integrity. I guess I thought it was childish – surely grown women in senior roles didn’t behave that way? But they bloody do. Right up to the highest levels of business. I didn’t count on how easily they would lie and manipulate my boss to achieve their outcome. I didn’t count on my boss taking such extreme action without evidence or worse still, consultation with me. It still baffles me. But it happens and you need to call it out – directly, in writing to HR and to your boss. Even to the Board.

Recovery

Well, that’s tough. The simple answer is to move on, be strong, be better. The hard answer is that it takes time to heal from the hurt of being hated, targeted, bullied and humiliated. Lots of time. My recipe is in the first instance:

1. Focus on your health: both mentally and physically as the whole experience will have taken a debilitating toll on you. Sometimes you won’t realise till you’re on the other side of it. Affirmations, vision boards, a weekend away – whatever it takes to put YOU first and let the ugliness go.
2. Find support and build your confidence again through your cheer squad; mates and family who love you, surround yourself with positive energy, remind yourself of your wins and the good you have done for others and for yourself.
3. Reframe the episode; it’s not your whole life, it was one ugly moment. You have to find a way to accept that it happened, recognise your feelings, deal with them and then put it all behind you. Do the messy work to face it and then turn your back on it. You cannot let regret, anger or fear consume your every day. It is no way to live. Yes, it was not fair, but it does not define you. This is your journey. Find a way to let it go and get closure.
4. Finally, focus on new beginnings. New job, new hobby, new anything. Shift your focus from the episode, distract your self with a new purpose and look forward. Only look forward.

Believe me, I know this sounds simplistic but I promise you, the sooner you adopt these 4 actions the better for you. I promise. I have come across the ghastliest of people in the workplace and believe me they are everywhere. I have been horrified at what they are capable of. I have been naïve and gullible and persecuted as a result. But I have not let it define me.

Instead, I have used it as life lessons that fuel my passion to help young women like you be the best you can be… just by just breathing.

therealceo